The last few weeks have been a deep dive into my darkest fears as we wrestle with finding a suitable family home to support us and all the individuals we take care of! I have walked the line of plunging into the abyss of my "panic & fear" on a daily basis and my nervous system has been on high alert with none of my previous coping tools taking the edge off!
Sometimes in life, you just get pushed down roads you don't want to go- back into patterns you swore you would never repeat and you find yourself at the breaking point of all that you are! Yesterday... that happened!!! And what happened next was tragically beautiful and devastatingly powerful... stay with me, I promise I will explain!
Before I knew what was happening it overtook me... I have never surrendered to these feelings before, in any of my experiences through life! Yes, as a Life & Wellness Coach, I teach people how to navigate their experiences and the power they can find in deeply surrendering to a "primal scream." But for me, this was always a little harder to commit too as I had been trapped inside of my cages of "keeping my shit together no matter what" for so long it was an ingrained imprint of failure that I could just not overcome or allow myself to fully surrender too... Why, cause I was afraid of the "break" that all I have fought so hard for in the last 12 years of recovery would come crumbling in and I would be lost again in an abyss that I don't know I could make it out of again! Guess what- my soul had another plan, like always and all hell broke loose!
It's crazy to think that something as small as misplacing my keys could be the tipping point that blew the lid off... but it did! It started with me throwing my hands up in the air and my bag across the floor, I tried to slam the door, and goddamit... it wouldn't slam! I was lost in anger, frustration, and exhaustion of just one more thing blocking me in my quest to just simply move! The next thing I know, I was bent over my knees, feet planted on the floor, hands in fists and clenched and screaming like nothing I had ever heard before. If I am truthful, I scared myself cause I had never let my emotions fall so freely on the floor like this and leave my body... I was a 3rd generation "stuffer & tucker" and this was not a road I was familiar with at all!!! But the power... I screamed so loud that I felt it come from my toes and my throat ached... I was mad as hell, I was devastated and I was fierce... I was so raw and I couldn't stop, each time I let one go, I could literally feel all of my hurts, sadness, loss, and anger come flying onto the floor in heaps of pain that I have literally been carrying around for years!
For all those times I was not heard as a child, I screamed!
For all those times as a child I was expected to be an adult, I screamed!
For all of those hurts as a child to my mind, body & soul, I screamed!
For all those times I was left behind for people's personal agendas, I screamed!
For all those times people broke my trust, I screamed!
For all those times people broke my heart, I screamed!
For all those times I sacrificed so others could be safe, I screamed!
For all those times I endured pain & suffering from others to keep people safe, I screamed!
For the moment that I heard my baby sister was gone from this world, I screamed!
For the moments that followed when I had to be the bearer of the devastating news to family & friends, I screamed!
For the moments that overtake me when I am filled with the loss of my best friend, I scream!
For all of the not spoken... it all came out on the floor! No judgment, no boundaries, no restraint, and no resistance! All of it, right there in the middle of the floor...
And then it stopped, and I was left standing in the same position I started in fully aware of the release I had just experienced. Now comes Phase 2...the tremors and the tears flooding my body were reminders that I could let go, it was over and now it was time to really let things go... and I sobbed!
This whole experience took me about 20 mins to endure! From this extremely uncomfortable place, I could see that the time "was now" to be fully committed to the healing that was near. My much wiser self knew that it was time to pull from my healing & knowledge space and allow myself the privilege of fully completing an emotional cycle without falling trapped by my burnout switch of coping that I had spent over half my life mastering! Time to walk the talk sister...it was time to complete the cycles of pain that for years I had managed on neatly stacked shelves inside the walls of my soul! From this place, I knew I would rise... the strength was needed now to make that happen even though I was literally in one of the lowest points of my life in a long while!
So, I am here... I made it out! The last day has been a recovery, but I know so much more about myself and have cleared out so much carnage! Is it all worked out? No, but I have plans! My body is remarkably calmer, lighter, and responsive... thank you for that power!
Why did I share? Cause I know there are many out there that have or will be faced with something like this... an emotion that will come up and an experience we will have to endure when we just don't think we have the strength! Stay strong, ride it out, free the monsters, and rebel yell, move, punch your pillow... just get it out! Complete the cycle, release the patterns that keep us stuck!!!!
This is how we rise, we stretch and we grow!
And guess what... I found my key! It was in my sweater pocket all along!
Miigwetch for listening!
Sending Love & Light to all!